


bid our hold on happiness

by urieskooki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff, Gen, Platonic Relationships, Shirazu survives, strictly platonic sorry my friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 06:31:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6227653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urieskooki/pseuds/urieskooki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Normal is good.</p><p>It's of upmost importance that Ginshi stays normal, otherwise everything will change and he can't have that.</p><p>Normal is safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	bid our hold on happiness

**Author's Note:**

> basically what would have happened if all events of the tsukiyama raid had stayed the same as well as the consequences (eg. mutsuki going to the noseless joe squad, sasaki becoming mr reaper man) except shirazu survived the wound. 
> 
> i'm sad and salty leave me be.
> 
> i also wrote this v quickly and v belatedly for shirazu's birthday bc my boy deserves some huggles and lots of platonic love someone get this boy a blanket

Ginshi has always hated black coffee. Too bitter. Too hot. Where’s the _adventure_ in not changing anything? Why _not_ add sugar and cream when you could drown out the bad taste of it instead?

_Maybe it’s just that Urie is bad at making coffee, just like he is cooking. He can’t replace Sassan but, God, he tries._

He drinks it anyway, because he’s poor and he doesn’t want to ask Urie to buy extra creamers (they make him puke). Sugar will have to do, but not too much, because Saiko will whine at him (and he might just hurl his guts up over that too) and not too little because Tooru will ask questions he doesn’t want to answer yet (never).

Normal.

He has to stay perfectly normal, perfectly _acceptable_ until he can fix this.

Because he _can_ fix this, everything will be fine. He’ll go back to normal, drinking coffee with too much sugar and too much cream, and he’ll eat all his favourite foods and he’ll be _fine._

He _has_ to fix this. It’s important.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Shiragin?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry, Saiko.” 

_Please don’t worry about me. I’m fine._

Black coffee tastes awful. It tastes worse with sugar, but at least then he can _pretend_ that he’s the same as he’s always been. (Maybe then he’ll keep the CCG off his back).

“You’re not… normal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Uribo?”

“I mean, you’re acting weird. Cut it out.”

_I wish I could._

Even Urie’s noticing something isn’t right. That means that he needs to hide it more.

“How do ya do that anyway? Yer always… so… disconnected from everyone else.”

“Practice. Why do you ask?” Ginshi doesn’t need to be observant to notice that Urie’s uncomfortable, fidgeting and avoiding looking anywhere but eyelevel.

“Because, I need to hide something from someone…” _You and Saiko… Everyone._

“You? Secret? Spit it out.” Urie looks smug, fingers pressing together before he stops, cocking his head to one side, “Wait, you smoke, right?”

“…Yeah?”

Urie points at the door, “I was just about to go out for one.” Without waiting for an answer, he slips out into the night, fingers already digging into the pocket of his sweatpants. It makes him smirk just the tiniest amount to realise Urie’s comfortable around them enough to change out of his work clothes (Maybe it’s just that there isn’t enough people in the house to care).

“I didn’t think ya did.”

“Obviously, you don’t know me.” Urie looks like he’s smiling just a little as he hooks his fingertips into the wall, climbs and pulls himself up onto the roof of the house.

Ginshi follows, cackling all the while, “Ya scared of gettin’ caught or somethin’?”

“No.” Crossing his legs, Urie sticks a cigarette into his mouth while Ginshi does the same. Then Urie swears, patting his pockets, “You got a light?”

Wordlessly, Ginshi flicks his shitty lighter open and holds it out for Urie, mouth dry as the other leans in and lights his before he takes it back to light his own.

Urie smokes menthols. Ginshi’s always hated them, but for once he doesn’t mind the smell as Urie draws in a deep inhale and blows it up into the night sky.

_Don’t ask. Even you don’t wanna know._

“…So.”

“Yep.” Urie pops the ‘p’, holding his cigarette carefully between his index and middle finger like he’s afraid it might burn him.

_Probably is. He’s always been a goddamn coward. (No, he isn't)._

They don’t speak for a few minutes, busy inhaling and exhaling, white-grey smoke spiralling out into the sky like milk spilt in dark, indigo ink.

“It’s not… intentional.” Urie finally sighs, voice low, “It just happens, you know?”

Ginshi can’t think of a reply for that, so he says nothing.

Eventually, Saiko crawls out of her window and slides over to them, still in her pyjamas. Her chubby body still manages to squeeze into the tiny gap Ginshi hadn’t even realised _wasn’t_ between himself and Urie. _Too close._

Urie tells her off when she reaches for the remains of his cigarette but he lets her finish it anyway. She says she doesn’t smoke, doesn’t like it, but they remind her of her mother’s bar.

She may cough a few times, but she just pillows her head against Ginshi’s arm and flicks the extinguished butt off the roof even if Sassan will yell when he finds out (and then it takes Ginshi a second to remember that Sassan abandoned them and there’s nobody there to stop them from doing anything they want).

“We all know, Shirazu.” Urie finally says, voice dull, as he lights another cigarette.

 _“_ Know _what?”_ Laughing nervously, Ginshi reaches out and plucks Urie’s cigarette from his mouth and sticks it in his own just for something to help him bite his tongue. He barely refrains from spitting it right back out again. _Shitty fucking menthols._

“You don’t need to hide it. It’s just us here anyway. Mutsuki knows too but he’s (never here) too much of a coward to say anything.” Urie easily dodges Ginshi’s punch, “You can stop forcing yourself to eat with us and you can stop fucking forcing yourself to stomach that shitty coffee you pretend you still like.”

_“Pretend I still…?”_

“Well, you changed, didn’t you?” Saiko tilts her head, lips pressing together tightly, “You’re not a Q anymore."

“…Guys, I-I’m fine. There’s nothin’… nothin’ _changed_ about me.” Ginshi is sure the blood’s drained out of his face (least it isn’t out of his gut this time), “That fight didn’t change me. I can still eat, I-I _like_ sugar in my coffee, I’m f-“

“You aren’t fine though!” Urie suddenly shouts, “You’re not human anymore, for fuck’s sake!”

“Urie, I’m-“

“That goddamn fight with Noro? Your eye, Shirazu. Your eye was fucking black.” Urie points, own kakugan activating, “See, ours are grey. And _yours_ looks just like Sasaki’s.” He blinks, and it’s gone again, “Stop _lying._ You aren’t protecting us by not saying anything.”

Shame burns through Ginshi then, hot flush prickling up the back of his neck, “You’re right.” He blinks away the tears stinging his eyes.

“I’m a half-ghoul.”

The sky does not suddenly fall, nor the breeze stop blowing, and nothing changes in the slightest except (Well, Ginshi did) Saiko and Urie very slowly draw still closer and wrap their arms around him. He cries, but he’s not _that_ sad, and together they sit above an empty house that’s too big for them until the sun rises over the horizon.

And Ginshi doesn’t force himself to eat again, and he drinks his coffee black from then on.

It still tastes like shit, but what other choice does he have?

Sometimes he and Urie will smoke and jostle about everything and that way they can pretend Ginshi doesn’t have angry red lines webbing over his stomach and that Urie doesn’t have guilt eating up his own gut instead of a scar.

It’s not nice, but it’s not all that bad either.

It’s survival, just as it always used to be, and just as it always will be.

It’s comforting, Ginshi thinks as he watches Urie make pancakes that he won’t eat and neither will Ginshi but Saiko demanded he did and Urie doesn’t seem to have the heart to ever say no to her.

_Just like it always used to be._

**Author's Note:**

> wow i sure use a lot of italics and brackets, don't i??? well, yes.
> 
> feedback is v much appreciated! thank you for reading! i have a [tumblr](http://ginkuki.tumblr.com/)
> 
> also [this](https://open.spotify.com/user/trashykawa/playlist/2lLcMBGp9jiBPtqdrLThzS) is the playlist i had playing while i wrote this. warning: grimes
> 
> aa sorry i write a lot of my own lil ending comments im sorry


End file.
